The Sad Old Gentleman

The house feels so quiet now. Silent but not still somehow, as if the memories of a life shared are still swirling, circling the rooms. In the air, ingrained in the furniture, wafting around me.

Leslie always had such a calm energy, that’s what attracted me I suppose. I’m ashamed to say that I lead a somewhat promiscuous life before we met. In those days if there was a party anywhere in town, you would find me at the centre of it. An immature twenty-five year old who was so scared he may miss out on something that he crammed his life full of every hedonistic activity he could find. Yet it wasn’t until our introduction that evening that it occurred to me how empty I had been.

The soothing effect I felt with Leslie was instant. Those eyes that suddenly made everything stand still, just for the splittest of seconds. Dancing with enthusiasm and laughter. A touch gentler than I had never experienced before. I was hooked.

I put the party days behind me. Months turned to years and slipped by, but I wasn’t bothered. I was a happy man. Sure, we had our rows. Some of them horrendous in fact, inflicting the kind of pain of that can only be achieved by someone who truly holds your heart. But there was never any doubt we were soulmates. The home we bought together and painstakingly made our own. The garden that was Leslie’s pride and joy. That was all testament to our love.

When Leslie got sick we were determined to maintain normality for as long as possible. Mind-numbing days in bed got us both down but the passion was still there. Eventually the vitality I had loved before was there only in spirit. I’d sit at the bedside and read aloud while those delicate features winced with pain. Each day the protrusion of cheekbones worsened and I would gently stroke them, skin as soft as rumpled tissue paper.

I still hear Leslie’s voice, that last soft gasp, clutching my hand. “I don’t blame you Derek. I don’t regret a second”. And then he was gone. Leaving me with nothing but this empty house that was once our loving home and sanctuary. And the guilt that my reckless teenage foolishness resulted in this unspeakable disease which has stolen not only my freedom, but now also the man I loved.